Fighting Fair – How can we do it?

Couples usually ask me if happy couples fight and if fighting in their relationship is a bad sign.  I answer by saying that research shows that happy couples do fight and that fighting is normal and healthy for the relationship.  I also mention that as a therapist, I am often more concerned about the couples that do not fight than those that do.  In fact, if you never fight it usually means that you are being extremely cautious and this is not healthy for the relationship.  Consider trying to dance together while constantly watching where you place your feet.  Never fighting also usually means that these couples do not learn to repair and rebuild.

In searching for rules to fighting fair online, you could probably find a ton of websites, blogs, and articles describing the steps couples should take to survive conflict.  Some of the more common rules are “stay calm” or “take a time out”.  These rules may work for some couples and can provide some great structure to their conflict to prevent the fight from escalating to war.  However, according to Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight, there are a few things that actually work in fighting fair.

The happiest and healthiest couples, based on what we know, go and repair the rift between them after the fight is over.  Knowing how to repair after a fight can make all the difference.  The myth that bad feelings will just fade over time is a myth for a reason.  According to brain research, your brain holds onto danger signals and negative emotions to try to protect you and help you avoid them in the future.

So the best advice about fighting is:

• Reach for your courage and your partner, and make up!
• Soothe those hurt feelings.
• Help each other to feel safe again.
It helps to talk about your own emotions here instead of your partner’s behavior. You can both assume, if it was a serious fight, that you scared the hell out of each other. When you show your partner that you care about his or her feelings, you open the door to what Sue Johnson calls a Hold Me Tight conversation. And when you can shape this kind of connection,  research says that you can heal hurts and create a love that lasts.

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hold-me-tight/201002/fighting-fair-who-can-do-it

Tips For Your First Year of Marriage (and beyond)

Whether you are engaged or have recently gotten married, congratulations are in order!  This time of your life can be very exciting.  Somewhere along the way of engagement to wedding planning to honeymooning, it is very important that you take time to discuss and prepare for the most important thing – your marriage.  The following tips will help you and your fiance or spouse to discuss the future ahead.

Differences can be a good thing! You and your partner are and will always be individuals.  Some people fear losing themselves or their identity once they are married.  It is natural that you and your partner have differences and will continue to have differences even after marriage – different ways to address conflict, different ways of communicating, different expectations, and more.  Marriage may change some things, but it won’t change who you are as individuals.  Celebrate the unique qualities each of you brings to the relationship and consider how these differences can work as complements instead.

Conflict is normal! You two will not agree all the time.  In the first year of marriage and beyond, you are likely to hit many rough patches.  What is important is how you deal with such challenges.  Through working through conflicts and rough patches, we learn to repair and often grow to become more mature.  Consider viewing conflict as an opportunity to grow together and mature in your marriage.  It is important to learn how to fight fair; to not make assumptions about what your partner is thinking or feeling; to actively listen to what your partner is saying; to repeat back what you hear your partner saying to be sure that you are understanding each other; and to communicate your thoughts in a constructive way.  Avoid words such as “always” and “never” and eliminate placing blame on your partner.  Consider and communicate your contribution to the problem at hand rather than focusing on your partner’s contribution alone.  Attending couples counseling or couples classes in your area can assist in learning these important and necessary skills.

Have regular date nights! Dating doesn’t end because you say “I do”.  It is crucial to the relationship to spend quality one-on-one time with your fiance or spouse on a regular basis.  Be sure to protect the fun and friendship you want to experience on these date nights by leaving stressful decisions and discussions at the door.  Cooking a new meal together while listening to music may not be the right time to bring up which family home you should go to for Thanksgiving.  Simply enjoy each other and focus on highlighting the romance.

Spend some time alone! This balancing act is an important one.  Finding a way to strike a balance between time together and time apart can strengthen your marriage over time.  Each of us needs to pursue our own hobbies and interests or time with friends for the health of the relationship.

Negotiate! When you have spent much of your adult life making individual decisions and doing what you want when you want to do it, it can be a bit of a challenge to learn to give and take.  If you and your fiance or spouse are not on the same page with respect to things like living arrangements, finances, or parenting, take some time to understand each other’s expectations.  Often there are very valid underlying concerns behind the positions we hold on to.

Explore myths of marriage! We all have grown up hearing terms such as “happily ever after” and “soul mate”.  Understand that marriage is a beautiful thing and takes a lot of effort and commitment every day.   Discuss with each other what your expectations are for your relationship and marriage.  Ask yourselves: What do I expect the marriage to look like? (be specific).  Then consider whether the expectations you have are realistic.  I often invite couples to imagine if we could videotape their marriage at different times in the future and then we watched the tape, what would we see?

It will take a daily effort and a strong commitment to maintain and strengthen the bond of such a relationship within the first year and beyond. An effort worth doing as your marriage will be the most significant relationship in your life.