In my experience, in working with couples at all stages of their relationships, I often hear one partner or another say that they think positive things about their partner at any given time.  One young man says that he often thinks about his wife while he is at the office, wonders what she is doing and hopes she is enjoying her day.  When I ask how they let their partner know their thoughts, they tend to look at me with a puzzled look and say, “I don’t think I ever told my partner that I was thinking such thoughts.”

According to John Gottman, a well-known researcher and clinician in the field of couples counseling and author of “Why marriages succeed or fail”, has found that healthy couples have a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction.  Other researchers have suggested up to 20 positive interactions are needed to every 1 negative interaction for a healthy relationship.  I have found that we cannot always take away the negative interactions or replace them in therapy as quickly as one might want, but what we can do, to start, is implement more positives.  I recommend that my clients take inventory daily of their partner’s attempts at positive interactions and repair moments, and then let them know that you noticed.  For if nobody noticed the good things are we are doing to enhance our relationship, why would we keep doing them? 

Having a rule of saying one positive sentence to your partner a day is a simple way to start to enhance the relationship.  One statement I like to recommend to clients comes from PREP, the Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program and it goes like this:

“When you did X in Y situation, I felt Z.” 

 I often extend the statement to include:

 ”When you did or said X in Y situation, I felt or experienced Z.” 

Now all you have to do is fill in the appropriate words for X, Y, & Z.  For example, one could say to their partner, “When you listened to my concerns about my day at work last night, I felt heard, respected, and validated.” Or, “when you emptied the dishwasher on Monday without me suggesting that it be done, I really felt as though we are a team, thank you.”  And, it never hurts to add a few words of appreciation such as “Thank you”. 

This type of statement helps the speaker to communicate the specifics of the event and how it made him/her feel.  It also lets the listener know what he or she did specifically that led to a positive outcome and may help him/her gain insight into his/her partner’s needs for future interactions.  I believe that telling our partner one positive sentence a day is really a great way to enhance connection and to foster positive interactions.  It feels good to receive a positive statement from someone we love and it also feels good to say it. 

Furthermore, this rule of saying one positive sentence a day, forces us to slow down from the stressors of our world and to start paying attention to the positive moments, the repair moments in our love lives that might otherwise pass us by.  If we have time to update our Facebook status with one sentence daily, there is no reason why we cannot update our relationship by sharing one positive sentence a day with the ones we love.  You can also try this statement with children now that school is in session, or with friends, co-workers, and others with whom we have relationships.  And who knows, one sentence a day, may help keep the problems away!

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