Having grown up in the Christian faith and attending many Christian marriage ceremonies, I learned about marriage as a sacrement.  I learned to view marriage as a blessed sacrament in which two individuals become united as one.  Even from a young age, I remember thinking about  the concept and practice of two individuals being one in marriage to understand what this really means. 

For a long time, I have held the belief that not only do two becoming one but, two must become better.

According to Arthur Aron, a psychologist and relationship researcher at Stony Brook University, my belief system in that two actually become better is what he calls self-expansion.  He has found that a partner’s level of commitment depends largely on how much his or her partner enhances his or her life and broadens his or her horizons.

To measure this quality,you may want to ask yourself these questions:

  •  How much does your partner provide a source of exciting experiences?
  •  How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
  •  How much do you see your partner as a way to expand your own capabilities?

Further, it may be important to ask yourself:

  •  Are you putting in the efforts to provide a source of exciting experiences for your partner?
  • Do you see yourself as working to expand your partner’s capabilities?

Couples who make the effort to do new and challenging activities and then experience some feelings of victory for tackling such challenges together, often have greater love and relationship satisfaction.  In other words, couples who try new activities, explore new places, and experience new adventures will experience self-expansion, thereby increasing their level of commitment to each other. 

“We enter relationships because the other person becomes part of ourselves, and that expands us,” Dr. Aron said. “That’s why people who fall in love stay up all night talking and it feels really exciting. We think couples can get some of that back by doing challenging and exciting things together.” *

One fun activity for couples to try in order to implement this increase in new, exciting adventures together is to each create a wish list.  Each of you writes on an index card, three things you would like your partner to do more of, either with you or for you.  Then swap cards and take turns implementing each other’s wishes on the index cards.  By taking turns, you get to see how your partner interprets your items and surprises you by picking any of the three to plan and implement. 

*Parker-Pope, Tara, 2010.  “The science of a happy marriage”  The New York Times, May 10

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